


feelings, die

by orphan_account



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Anorexia, Dark, Eating Disorders, Hurt Klaus Hargreeves, Hurt No Comfort, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Klaus Hargreeves-centric, Protective Ben Hargreeves, Schizophrenia, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, Suicide, i am suicidal so is klaus if this makes sense, im projecting onto klaus, like hes probably not schizophrenic its the voice of pro ana, mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:53:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27525670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: actually you never saw me. and that’s okay. the things i said never made sense, i was either drunk or high or i was trying to distract myself from my suicidal thoughts by bothering you with how an annoying person i was, so you were right please don’t think i’m blaming you for my death and never being on my side and not noticing everything i had to go through on my own.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves & Everyone
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	feelings, die

dear siblings

this is weird because i never thought i’d write a letter, i mean this is very old-fashioned of me and i forgot how to write one so had to ask ben… he doesn’t think i should be doing this and he actually cried for hours to stop me. i also probably shouldn’t tell you about this neither but it’s not that the first thing benny’s going to do is to be be pissed at me for this in the afterlife, is it? so yeah. my hands are shaking right now but i, at least, owe an explanation for you i guess. so i’ll keep writing even though it’s almost unreadable.

i want to cut it short as much as i want to vent about my whole life but you usually get annoyed even when i say good morning to you so i better cut it short. these are just making it longer. okay well… i’m anorexic. i also get really deppresed when i’m sober. and i’m not the same person when i’m alone, i mean i almost don’t speak and always think that it makes me feel like i’m drowning and like i’m sick. i tried to seek for help but that didn’t work and none of you didn’t even realise i wasn’t eating which i can’t blame you for because i didn’t look that sickly-thin to go noticed and you were all too busy to hear my whining. but at this point i can’t deal with it anymore and maybe i’ll regret that i’m doing this later but there’s not going to be a later for me and maybe the afterlife is better than here (actually i’m sure it is, everywhere is better than here no offense) so i won’t regret it.

also there’s a girl, she’s dead so you can’t see her. she’s like my coach. like she criticises me for eating or not exercising, she almost never shuts up and at first i tried to ignore her but that was until i realised she was right. and then i started to hear a voice. well i didn’t go see a psychologist because of this but i think i’m also schizophrenic? it tells me not to eat just like farah does, they’re both so mean but i can’t vanish it like i can vanish farah. so it’s not a power in my opinion. ben can see farah but he can’t hear the voice. also he punched farah one time, it was so fun to see two ghosts try to hit each other but not be able to do anything. actually it was more sad than fun.

and i don’t think farah was a good person anymore. because benny and i discussed about this and i think he’s right. farah once told me that ben was jealous of me, so he was trying to make me eat and make me fat so you’d hate me? and i literally believed her. that was so stupid and i can’t believe i was that easy to trick but anorexia is a bitch and also being manipulated by two annoying things (i actually prefer to think the voice as an old man so maybe two annoying people, i should say?) made me more defenceless. ben realised it soon after i started to ignore him and act like i was scared of him so he spoke to me and told me about the reality, and we both made this decision of vanishing farah forever. sometimes i miss her but the voice is enough to poison me so there’s not actually much need of her.

so yeah the anorexia topic already took me lots of paragraphs and i started to cry less so my writing got better? yay! i really needed to tell someone about this. well actually i sometimes vent to some ghosts other than ben too and sometimes they’re nice but it’s a little hard to take them serious since they’re… dead? like they can fly. it’s so funny and i still have this phobia of them left in me, i couldn’t get used to waking up to bloody people that were once as alive as me and i had literally twenty nine years to overcome my fear but i didn’t want to leave my title as the disappointment child… no i actually did. i’m already dead as you read this so yes i tried to be useful countless times. i’m not that rebel or narcissistic as i seem to be, that is the central topic of this letter as you can see, so yes i tried to better. but i couldn’t. i chose to drink and to smoke and to swallow and all those had led me to suicide. maybe if i never became an alchoholic, everything would be different. you’d all like me better and maybe count me as a sibling in the family.

all these years we all have excluded vanya out of the family —by the way i’m so sorry vanny i hope everyone treats you better like you have always deserved and you feel loved— and now you all started to treat her better but you forgot me. actually you never saw me. and that’s okay. the things i said never made sense, i was either drunk or high or i was trying to distract myself from my suicidal thoughts by bothering you with how an annoying person i was, so you were right please don’t think i’m blaming you for my death and never being on my side and not noticing everything i had to go through on my own.

i belong to the dead. i was always meant to be dead. i don’t have a second power, communicating with the dead is all i got because they’re my family. i belong to them. they want the best for me and they never leave me. they’ve been telling me to join them since the day i was born and now i’m giving them what they want. they always say it’s not fair that they’re no longer alive but i am. that if they were me, they would’ve done a lot better. they’re right. nobody in the world can be as disappointing and worthless as i am. sorry i started to get shaky again. and sorry i promised not to vent but i did and i won’t erase all of these things because i’m still hoping that maybe you’ll understand me. i’ll be dead but that’s okay. even knowing that you’ll shed a tear for me will make me feel better actually. i’m not sure if this sounds selfish but i guess it doesn’t. because dying is a big deal. i won’t comeback again. i, of course, want all of you to spend the rest of your lives happily and without thinking about me but please appreciate me as much as you can. at least for a few seconds. this is my last wish.

try to understand me. please. i didn’t to be like this. i could’ve done better but it was hard. i tried so many times. i didn’t give up. but now, i’m officially giving up.

please don’t look at my body if you are scared of blood or if it’s going to make you feel bad. that’s okay i’d rather not to be remembered as a corpse as well. goodbye forever! i had a lot more to tell you but that would be boring. maybe you didn’t even read this and you’re probably right this was a waste of time.

anyways, really goodbye this time.

sincerely (this is funny)  
your ~~less~~ favourite sibling <3

**Author's Note:**

> ok its 5.40pm and ill go to dentist at 6 pm... ill probably delete this when i come back home because i wrote this in like fifteen minutes and i actually want to write an another anorexic klaus fic where in he does get help or at least goes noticed so i'm not proud of what ive written i but i hope you liked it, that's what actually matters !!
> 
> thanks for reading - comments are appreciated <3


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